So, I haven’t blogged in a while.
I guess there was not much to put here, as I was busy butchering my two oldest friendships and one relevant, sincere (at least on my part) and meaningful relationship.
It’s no big deal. It happens every day to a bunch of people, I guess. It’s not like I am through a newly invented type of pain. Actually, this is a territory I’ve visited and charted before. It’s far more familiar than any other emotion other human being can offer me.
Everyone has people to cheer them up. But I am a desert. Just like Gregory House losing Wilson, my rope has blown all but one thread, my downfall is imminent, last night I even saw the cracks on this last thread. My distrust and disliking for most of the people out there makes me depend a lot on the 1 or 2 people that normally keep me connected with reality, sanity, and a wholesome existence.
And what is there to learn about this? The moral of 2008 is that I must distrust and fear the people I love? I don’t like that. Or is it that I suck at choosing who to love? I like that far less. I would defend to death the reasons why my heart decided to deliver itself stupidly to people that didn’t feel the concern to protect it. There is nothing to learn here. I have been punished before knowing why, all my wishful thinking was a moronic imaginary construction of a stupid loser. My only way to prevent this is to stop having any desire of a happy life. So, let the pain continue, let me be the fool over and over again. None of the deals I get seem gainful.
So what now? I could fill my house with cats, I love cats. Cats have always been there for me. No matter how treacherous and selfish they are considered. A cat always seems to know when I need someone to purr on my lap.
But a cat deserves a home. And moving to another country with pets is complicated. My car and my house are full of ghosts. I can’t look at my stuff anymore without feeling something breaking inside me. That is not my house anymore. Sorry if I am overly dramatic, but objects have a memory.
So, let’s do something crazy. I want to see places that don’t remind me of anything. I will spend my birthday here, as a start. Besides, only Rox and my mother will call me that day, in the best of cases.
Liquidate my assets should be enough to live up to 6 months in even a costly place if I play it wisely, I could simply choose my favorite place in the world, get there, find pretty much any job, and establish myself there. And start over. Maybe I will even get a cow if I don’t live in a city, to honor a shared lost dream, and I am very likely to choose and island too.
I mean this. Because I am not enjoying the life I am leading and the moral of these stories, I am leaving. I want my innocence back. There is more to life than a career, buying a bunch of stuff, marrying whoever seems to stick around and die with a pocket full of ‘what if’s.
I am standing at a crossroad, and I am choosing to go off-road instead.
Unfortunately, it may take a few months: there are jobs to seek, Visas to obtain, bureaucracies to humor, but not doing this would be more painful at this point.