I have learned a few things in the last 10 years of human interaction. Since I have memory I know biological/familiar bonds should not be a ‘Get out of jail free’ card, and I have been dispassionate and coldly fair in the same measure with anyone, relative or not. Family is random people, bound to make mistakes or have dishonorable intentions as much as anyone else, with responsibilities gained by the whim of giving world to another human, disguised as love and altruism.

There are other bonds that are stronger: friendship and love. They are stronger because they are directed to chosen people, not biological bound beings on this random clockwork universe. Unfortunately, friends and lovers have weighed me out much more lightly that I have valued them.

People tend to be very selfish, and if you are not a bit selfish yourself you will be stepped over, used, and it’s going to be your fault. You have to step up and get what you want, nothing is free, nothing.

And in the middle of the storm I see a fighter, someone who has learned the rules of this game even if he does not like it. He has so much to give, but even giving has a price, to aggravate it he wants something in exchange. Not much, maybe some gratitude, definitely some loyalty, time, something similar to what he wants to give. But will someone understand him? Is someone willing? Can someone even be his friend?

He has the things he has fought for, he recognizes he has good fortune, health, a strangely suspicious good luck on some aspects, like some angel opening the doors and turning red lights green for him. Sometimes.

But in the end, he realizes that he has a house, a car, a computer, a job, a few hobbies to indulge himself, a couple bottles of vodka a month. An empty passenger seat, and a sofa that is too big for himself. Sometimes he is not all that alone, like glimpses of a different life, like switching to another channel, and switches off just as quickly. He has time and attention to give, but can’t help but feel invasive, useless. Maybe he feels neglected easily, maybe he expects a different pace.

Tonight, and certainly every night the next few days he will only have himself and his stuff, he wish he could tickle himself, tell himself some new joke. He knows he is right, and he knows he is fun. He loves himself, and it’s a bit overwhelming to give himself to someone who is not sharing the same way.

He is all he has had through some hard times. He is his own hero, his past deeds inspire him into new ones. He wants another bottle of vodka for his lips that sometimes are condemned to be dry otherwise.

And here he goes, building a bridge that might be much less valuable for the person on the other side. A leap of faith. He is running out of leaps of faith. Maybe one last time before giving up and learning that all he will ever find is himself, that the only one who will ever find him is himself. But he goes on.

Empty spaces – what are we living for?
Abandoned places – I guess we know the score.
On and on!
Does anybody know what we are looking for?

Another hero – another mindless crime.
Behind the curtain, in the pantomime.
Hold the line!
Does anybody want to take it anymore?
The Show must go on!
The Show must go on!
Inside my heart is breaking,
My make-up may be flaking,
But my smile, still, stays on!

Whatever happens, I’ll leave it all to chance.
Another heartache – another failed romance.
On and on!
Does anybody know what we are living for?
I guess i’m learning
I must be warmer now..
I’ll soon be turning round the corner now.
Outside the dawn is breaking,
But inside in the dark I’m aching to be free!

The Show must go on!
The Show must go on! Yeah!
Ooh! Inside my heart is breaking!
My make-up may be flaking!
But my smile, still, stays on!
Yeah! oh oh oh

My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies,
Fairy tales of yesterday, will grow but never die,
I can fly, my friends!

The Show must go on! Yeah!
The Show must go on!
I’ll face it with a grin!
I’m never giving in!
On with the show!

I’ll top the bill!
I’ll overkill!
I have to find the will to carry on!
On with the,
On with the show!

The Show must go on.

Queen – ‘The Show must go on.’


~ by aavalos41 on October 30, 2007.

7 Responses to “Narcissism”

  1. Does that make you happy?

  2. it doesn’t make me unhappy.

  3. Would you like to change it?

  4. Where are you alf?

  5. Where are you alf?

  6. I am back. Are you still here? send me an email with an address I can write to, I’ll be happy to hear from you.

    send me your current email address to the old still at gmail.

  7. I have sent you an email with my email adress, i guess it wasn’t delivered.
    My adress is I’ll be happy to hear from you too.

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