misanthropy and wanderlust vs. the common man

So, I haven’t blogged in a while.

I guess there was not much to put here, as I was busy butchering my two oldest friendships and one relevant, sincere (at least on my part) and meaningful relationship.

It’s no big deal. It happens every day to a bunch of people, I guess. It’s not like I am through a newly invented type of pain. Actually, this is a territory I’ve visited and charted before. It’s far more familiar than any other emotion other human being can offer me.

Everyone has people to cheer them up. But I am a desert. Just like Gregory House losing Wilson, my rope has blown all but one thread, my downfall is imminent, last night I even saw the cracks on this last thread. My distrust and disliking for most of the people out there makes me depend a lot on the 1 or 2 people that normally keep me connected with reality, sanity, and a wholesome existence.

And what is there to learn about this? The moral of 2008 is that I must distrust and fear the people I love? I don’t like that. Or is it that I suck at choosing who to love? I like that far less. I would defend to death the reasons why my heart decided to deliver itself stupidly to people that didn’t feel the concern to protect it. There is nothing to learn here. I have been punished before knowing why, all my wishful thinking was a moronic imaginary construction of a stupid loser. My only way to prevent this is to stop having any desire of a happy life. So, let the pain continue, let me be the fool over and over again. None of the deals I get seem gainful.

So what now? I could fill my house with cats, I love cats. Cats have always been there for me. No matter how treacherous and selfish they are considered. A cat always seems to know when I need someone to purr on my lap.

cat

But a cat deserves a home. And moving to another country with pets is complicated. My car and my house are full of ghosts. I can’t look at my stuff anymore without feeling something breaking inside me. That is not my house anymore. Sorry if I am overly dramatic, but objects have a memory.

So, let’s do something crazy. I want to see places that don’t remind me of anything. I will spend my birthday here, as a start. Besides, only Rox and my mother will call me that day, in the best of cases.

Liquidate my assets should be enough to live up to 6 months in even a costly place if I play it wisely, I could simply choose my favorite place in the world, get there, find pretty much any job, and establish myself there. And start over. Maybe I will even get a cow if I don’t live in a city, to honor a shared lost dream, and I am very likely to choose and island too.

I mean this. Because I am not enjoying the life I am leading and the moral of these stories, I am leaving. I want my innocence back. There is more to life than a career, buying a bunch of stuff, marrying whoever seems to stick around and die with a pocket full of ‘what if’s.

I am standing at a crossroad, and I am choosing to go off-road instead.

Unfortunately, it may take a few months: there are jobs to seek, Visas to obtain, bureaucracies to humor, but not doing this would be more painful at this point.

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~ by aavalos41 on December 3, 2008.

4 Responses to “misanthropy and wanderlust vs. the common man”

  1. that takes courage, i hope you’re enjoying the change.

  2. I don’t even know if you look at this anymore but… Remember me? 🙂

  3. hi… I forgot I even had this blog, but I got a notification that you commented.

    Of course I remember you!

    How are you?

  4. I’m good! I’m moving to The Netherlands soon!
    You?

    You should add me on Skype or something so we can catch up. It’s bunnysneezes (laugh and I’ll kill you)

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