Afraid of warmth

•September 19, 2007 • Leave a Comment

Do not let beauty break in. Avoid those black pearl eyes,
don’t let them gaze, don’t let them shine, for they are wicked.
Do not let her hands plunder your icy castle,
don’t let her melt you in her oily hair so full of evenings.

Do not let the pale touch fool you into comfort,
don’t let her ravens dive in your skies, for they are deadly.
Don’t let her come, don’t make her smile,
don’t let her tie you in precious bindings.

let’s talk about me for a minute

•September 19, 2007 • 1 Comment

Why would I make a journal to talk about someone else?

I don’t know, even though I did it for years… I guess it was my attempt to understand minds that are not my own. I am not sure how successful it was.

I am simple to a point where it becomes hard to understand. Maybe I am built for simple tasks and feelings. Love is not among those things, at least not the love I have been exposed to. It’s already complicated to keep my own whims, goals, and my own everyday problems to add someone else’s.

Yeah, maybe this significant other person will give me things and feelings and thoughts I cannot harvest myself. Everything has a price. But what do I need now? I have learned to be on my own. Kinda.

And all those little complications, the routine of driving somewhere, waiting for someone, receive an SMS telling that she changed her mind and driving back home; after washing my car, using the good cologne, choosing my clothing for 1 hour for nothing… Writing e-mails and dreaming, all those wishful ‘joys’ seem so useless most of the time.

And if I succeed, dealing with her jealousy, with her family, her stupid friends licking their lips while hoping to take my place, add 100 points in hideousness if she has a dog, the way suddenly all the things she used to thank surprised become mandatory routines…

Love. It makes me sour and brooding. It makes me write the best blog posts.

My life and my journal should be about me.

poker experiment – day 2 – Hellkat

•September 16, 2007 • 1 Comment

hellkat1.jpg

So, I saw a new game, Hellkat… I did not read instruction and played a play-money game. I kicked ass as usual. It turns out to be a timed No-Limit Texas Hold’em. After 15 mins the 3 players with more chips win.

Alright, so instead of my $6 at Omaha Hi-Lo, I got into a $3 Hellkat just to try it out, no big expectations at my first real money table on a new game…

I am a conservative player, I am not so good at low stacks, and I didn’t think I could build something up in 10 mins, but well, poker is about risks, isn’t it?

hellkat2.jpg

Hello $1.80, day two and first cash, I don’t mind if it’s modest.

poker experiment – day 1

•September 15, 2007 • Leave a Comment

day1.jpg

Well, I made the deposit, but I hadn’t played in a while so I tried a play-money game… looks like I haven’t lost my touch!

Of course, in real money games I will face better players, or the same, but when there is money on the table people take it more seriously.

One liability: electricity goes off often at home… seemingly the town is growing too fast and we experience outages often… I lost connection during five minutes during the game, when I had a was holding the nuts: Flush with the Ace in my hand…

I think it is time to swim with the sharks… updates soon!

UPDATE:

4th place in my first table… Not bad, but no cash for me… I totally expected a slow start so no big deal.

$6 bye.

Poker experiment – Day 0

•September 14, 2007 • Leave a Comment

I want to play a game.

But first I’ll tell you the things I have been doing the last 12 months. Whenever I think of a change in my life, I test it for a month if possible. First I started drinking 2 liters of water a day. I lost weight and felt better. I did this one year ago and I still do it almost every day.

I try to eat at least 1 fruit a day. I started doing this one year ago. Helped lose weight and I learned nt to hate some fruits and vegetables I heavily disliked. (I had to pause for a while when I had no refrigerator and had to eat out 3 time a day).

I tried wake up at 5 am everyday, even holiday and weekends. I started 3 months ago, and I go to bed whenever I feel tired (usually between 10pm and midnight), this increased my time awake and gave me time in the morning to do a number of things before coming to the office. Sometimes I derail and wake up at 9 (disastrous on weekdays), but I think I can align and keep doing it. I got the idea from this guy.

So, you see I have been playing with myself, making experiments on things that might somewhat improve my quality of life.

Last night I had a shady idea, because I turn every good pattern into a risky one:

Most of you know I play poker online casually, most of the time with play-money. I have an iron hand discipline, specially when it comes to money. I never had spent more than expected on gambling, and actually, I have a few bucks more than I initially deposited 1 year ago. Then WoW came to my life and my gaming has been a monthly -$15… obviously worse than my chances at poker.

But what if I take $100 today, deposit them into my gaming account and start playing for one month? These are the rules:

  • I will only play 5 tables a week.
  • I will play either early in the morning (5 am to 8 am) or right after work (5 pm to 8 pm), I think those are the hours of the day when my brain seems in better shape for precise and quick decisions.

I’ll make sure I read again all the tips I can, and be as cold minded as usual. Let’s see how it works. If I end up with a tie or and income, I’ll keep playing 5 tables a week, always buying in for 10% of my bankroll or less. If it works, I will also open a bank account for it, and might even become my main hobby. (Are hobbies still a hobby when I think in profit? if so, not even WoW is a hobby anymore… I have a webpage in the works, thinking of those 9 million players, and some uncovered aspects of the game I happen to enjoy and I think I am able to give tips… here is a little draft).

success

•September 11, 2007 • Leave a Comment

I am good at self conditioning.

I love caffeine. Out of whims I decided to spend a month without coffee, coke or even black tea. No problem.

I lost over 10 kg in 6 weeks without stopping eating anything I like a year ago. Easy.

I have turned out and left without hesitation when it was imminent i was gonna ‘get lucky’ (and I’ve done it more than once).

It’s a matter of control. Mind over matter. I see how most of the people who ruin their life are letting their hormones, their stomach, their eyes guide them. I am powered and managed fully by my brain. I just defend my lifestyle, my projects, I am not gonna risk the rest of my life over some silly self-indulgence.

Sometimes I do it just for fun, or in an unnecessary display of who is the boss in my life.

So, I reduce my risks of having cancer, or dying by stomach or heart diseases. I reduce my risks of marrying the wrong person, no unwanted pregnancies; I am cautious, because I don’t want me to be like so many people I know. I don’t want to be that person who can’t control and stops by the bar everyday even if the whole day tried to get the mindset of not going. I don’t want unhealthy dependencies to products or persons.

Does that mean I’ll spend my life alone? It’s a possibility, but I don’t think so. My relationships won’t be driven by needs, but by complement. I won’t need her, I will want her. I will like being with her, and we will help and be somebody special for each other.

I won’t have a job because I need to, I will have a job that I like. Of course I need to eat and pay the bills, a lot of food and bills, but I won’t do something I don’t enjoy or something I will regret doing. The same should apply with relationships.

And I see so many epic fails every day, so many people living a life they don’t want to live… I know it’s not easy for them, and they will say they have no choice. I say they do. But who knows? I never been like them and they never been like me. We are aliens to each other. And I guess we will keep it that way.

Enjoy your lives… or not. Whatever you want. Maybe I am simplistic; well, I don’t wanna know.

well, if you wanted constance that’s all you had to say

•August 31, 2007 • Leave a Comment

I know this rebel-without-a-cause posse can seem dangerous. Like the cowboy riding his silver mercedes to the sunset in the old movies. I am not the charming prince, I am more like the brave knight that saves the damsel in distress and then leaves to slay some dragon or fight some crusade.

Maybe it’s just the way that I am built, but I heard that I don’t look like the kind of man brings breakfast to bed the morning after. Much less like the man who will be faithfully kneeling as my woman lies at the end of her life on a hospital bed.

Myself, I don’t think it’s a matter of who I am, it’s a matter of what I’ve been through, it’s a matter of the things I have been able to demonstrate. I guess I’ll be all those other men, eventually.